Conky Thoughts

The age old question, “What is the meaning of life?” The religious among us can answer this quickly, according to their creed, but I think that all of us- religious or not- want to know “what is the underlying purpose of our existence?” Great minds have even called our existence “absurd”. As Liebniz asked, “Why is there something rather than nothing?”I type this after I just spent hours doom scrolling on social media. That can’t be why I am here.

It’s simple to say the answer is “To be happy”. OK. What is happiness? Aristotle defines happiness (or eudamonia) in the ethics as “Rational activity of the soul in accordance with perfect virtue.” So we have to be occupied, and in accordance with perfect virtue. I say perfect virtue is impossible, which is why he said it: true, lasting happiness in this lifetime is actually impossible. That’s my take. It’s impossible, but we should still strive for it.

In my life I have experienced years of euphoria and 4 years of the deepest despair possible (I don’t think I need to elaborate). Did I mention that I have legit bipolar? I was very successful in my twenties, and I traveled the world in my spare time. My mental illness showed up at 29, I wound up in the mental hospital, and that brought my charmed life to an abrupt end. For the next four years, I was Frankenstein’s monster. For those unfamiliar with the story, it is about a twisted, hideous, unlovable creation whose sole focus after realizing he’ll never fit in with society is to track down the doctor who made him and demand of him, “Why the HELL did you make me? I’m miserable!” That is my all time favorite book, for that reason.

So, being a thiest, I ask God, “Why did you make me?” And then I started walking. I fell into peer support- that’s where you support people struggling with addiction, trauma and/or mental illness and did that for 13 years. Then I finished my degree. Then I quit my addictions and started running again. Then I married the love of my life (who I never would have met if I hadn’t lost it all) and we started a business. Just today I got clearance to come off an injury and start running again. Now I’m going to do a marathon.

What I’ve found is that helping people in their journey and struggles, and making myself the best version of myself I can be with my wife at my side gives me more joy than all the bars and pageant contestants of my twenties, and I’m not just saying that. My 20’s were a blast, but they were nerve racking. I was addicted to everything and constantly paranoid that I was going to get an STD or knock someone up (none of those happened), that was no way to live. I’m mentally ill now, but I think I’m the sanest I’ve ever been in my life.

So I think the answer to the ancient question I posed in the beginning is something everyone has to discover for themselves. All I can say, speaking as a guy with 42 years on the planet, is “Whatever GOOD thing you’re into, get deeper into it.” And if you’re currently like me during my 4 years of inactivity, “Just get up and start walking.”