Conky Thoughts

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  • It Is What You Make It

    The age old question, “What is the meaning of life?” The religious among us can answer this quickly, according to their creed, but I think that all of us- religious or not- want to know “what is the underlying purpose of our existence?” Great minds have even called our existence “absurd”. As Liebniz asked, “Why is there something rather than nothing?”I type this after I just spent hours doom scrolling on social media. That can’t be why I am here.

    It’s simple to say the answer is “To be happy”. OK. What is happiness? Aristotle defines happiness (or eudamonia) in the ethics as “Rational activity of the soul in accordance with perfect virtue.” So we have to be occupied, and in accordance with perfect virtue. I say perfect virtue is impossible, which is why he said it: true, lasting happiness in this lifetime is actually impossible. That’s my take. It’s impossible, but we should still strive for it.

    In my life I have experienced years of euphoria and 4 years of the deepest despair possible (I don’t think I need to elaborate). Did I mention that I have legit bipolar? I was very successful in my twenties, and I traveled the world in my spare time. My mental illness showed up at 29, I wound up in the mental hospital, and that brought my charmed life to an abrupt end. For the next four years, I was Frankenstein’s monster. For those unfamiliar with the story, it is about a twisted, hideous, unlovable creation whose sole focus after realizing he’ll never fit in with society is to track down the doctor who made him and demand of him, “Why the HELL did you make me? I’m miserable!” That is my all time favorite book, for that reason.

    So, being a thiest, I ask God, “Why did you make me?” And then I started walking. I fell into peer support- that’s where you support people struggling with addiction, trauma and/or mental illness and did that for 13 years. Then I finished my degree. Then I quit my addictions and started running again. Then I married the love of my life (who I never would have met if I hadn’t lost it all) and we started a business. Just today I got clearance to come off an injury and start running again. Now I’m going to do a marathon.

    What I’ve found is that helping people in their journey and struggles, and making myself the best version of myself I can be with my wife at my side gives me more joy than all the bars and pageant contestants of my twenties, and I’m not just saying that. My 20’s were a blast, but they were nerve racking. I was addicted to everything and constantly paranoid that I was going to get an STD or knock someone up (none of those happened), that was no way to live. I’m mentally ill now, but I think I’m the sanest I’ve ever been in my life.

    So I think the answer to the ancient question I posed in the beginning is something everyone has to discover for themselves. All I can say, speaking as a guy with 42 years on the planet, is “Whatever GOOD thing you’re into, get deeper into it.” And if you’re currently like me during my 4 years of inactivity, “Just get up and start walking.”

  • Myriad Faiths

    In my 20’s, it changed with the direction of the wind whether I called myself atheist or I was religious in the faith in which I was raised. Honestly, it caused a lot of turmoil. I was in and and out of college, and used to close down bars and coffee shops with my classmates discussing philosophy and religion. One thing I got right: I don’t think I ever believed I was “correct” in these debates, like I was trying to convert my cohorts to my side. I was just curious. We all were. It was a magical time.

    In this time, I did 3 years overseas as a government contractor. I traveled all over the world in my off time. My best friends at this time were Turkish, and I also broke bread with honest-to-God Bhuddists, Hindu’s, Sikh’s; I was fascinated by their lives. I can’t forget atheists too, although, I must say, I don’t think I ever met a Dawkin’s-thumping atheist. My friends were more agnostic, and readily admitted that.

    I lost everything when I was 29 and was disabled for life, and I found myself at the local University. One of the first classes I took was biology 101. I remember learning about mitosis, the Krebs Cycle, photosynthesis, the complexity and intricacy of the DNA strand. Looking down the microscope in the lab at all on the invisible-to-the-naked-eye things going on behind the scenes of life, I was stunned. I thought: This isn’t EVIDENCE of Intelligent Design, this is PROOF!

    That was 13 years ago, and I’ve never toyed with atheism since. My spiritual vagrancy wasn’t satisfied by this revelation, however, and I took all of the “World Religion” courses the University had to offer. I was on a mission to find out, once and for all, who was “right”. I passed all of the courses, and after all of my data collecting I came to the conclusion that in the matter of “who is right”, I can only speak for myself. I wrote in a paper that asking which is the “right” religion is like asking which is the “right” language.

    The religion that was right for me was the one I grew up in, the one God bore me into. Why not? I really couldn’t find any fundamental problems with it aside from a rather juvenile rebellious attitude toward everything about my parents, including their faith. Mother Theresa of Calcutta shared my religion, and she is my favorite person ever to don a rosary. She said multiple times, (paraphrasing) “If you’re a Christian, be the best Christian you can be. If you’re a Muslim, be the best Muslim you can be.”

    My favorite comedian, Steve Harvey, says about picking a church: “Just go to the one that’s around the corner from your house.” As my favorite priest is always telling me, “Stop trying to get it so perfect. Just be a good person. Let God sort out the imperfections.” Finally, a defense from my own canon, “1 Corinthians 4:5: “Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until The Lord comes. He will bring light to what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart.” I think the whole thing has very little do do if we got everything “right”. I think it’s more about if our hearts were good and we were good to others.

  • If You’ll Drink Over Anything…

    Well, let me take you back to my Grandpa Jack,

    He was a wise old sage, didn’t act his age.

    Anger in him was rare, instead he’d just say a prayer,

    Tell me “Life just ain’t fair, sometimes it’s a real bear.”

    Then he’d turn to me and say,

    In a tone I’ll remember to this day…

    “If you’ll drink over anything, you’ll drink over anything.

    Live the good life, fight the good fight. Better be plumb used up when you die.”

    Well, he saved my ass, I didn’t know my soul was attached,

    He saved more lives than some M.D.’s, more marriages than some shrinks.

    He’s long gone, but I know he can hear this song,

    I’ll never forget those words he said to me:

    “If you’ll drink over anything, you’ll drink over anything.

    Live the good life, fight the good fight. Better be plumb used up when you die.”

  • The Dating Game

    First, I’m just going to say that in my 20’s, I had money, an impressive job, and I was a good looking guy: the casual dating scene was too easy for me. There is one year of my life I really wish I could re-do. Now I’m married, and I think about:

    • If I have a daughter…
    • If she ends up with a guy like who I was when I was young.

    This thought doesn’t make me smile. If she brought a guy home, I would interrogate him to see if he WAS like me. If he was like me, I’d buy a Mini Cooper and tell my daughter it was hers if she never saw that guy again.

    Why was I like that when I was young, and I’m like I am now? I’m still the same guy. What influence was I under back then?

    Every time you log onto social media, turn on the TV, open a magazine, someone tells you that toned bodies sweating up the sheets is the best of life. Really? The pinnacle of evolution is chasing orgasms?

    Music that was popular among the guys back in my day glorified being a player, noncommitted. It was seen as kind of weak among your friends if you did commit to a woman. The steadfast Clooney’s were admired and envied. It was called “The Dating Game”.

    Well, I have a fundamental problem with “The Dating Game”: it’s not a “game” unless both sides know it’s a game. Leading someone on to get what you want and then discarding them after you get what you want is mean; it’s the same kind of mean as hunting for sport.

    Women, you break this rule too. Has there ever been a guy who worshipped you, and you let him do things for you, bring you a frappucino at work, let him think he was getting somewhere when he had no chance? Same thing.

    I’ve noticed a phenomenon in my life, and I don’t know if I’m just an anomaly… I’ve broken up with women I never had sex with, and I’ve broken up with women I HAVE had sex with. The no-sex breakups were like PEACEFUL. I’m not talking 1 or 2 dates in, I’m talking like a year in (I stopped being religious at 23. Now I am again.). There didn’t seem to be much in the way of hurt feelings or betrayal there.

    Now the breakups where we had hit the sack together- you couldn’t get me to re-live those for under fifty grand. My deduction is that it’s a major decision to hit the sack with someone. When you give that much of yourself to someone, you can’t take it back, and they better be worthy of that trust. “Going your separate ways” is easier said than done after you’ve crossed that line.

    What I wish I could go back in time and tell myself and my friends is: “Get to know them, like, REALLY get to know them. They might be a really cool person. Forget about how “hot” they are. In hindsight, 9 times out of 10, the hotter they are, the bigger pain in the ass they are. They’re expecting the royal treatment.”

    I wish I could apologize to a few people now, and I would accept an apology from a few people. But “All’s fair in love and war”, right? We didn’t know any better, everyone was telling us to play “The Casual Dating Game”. There’s nothing “casual” about it, and it’s definitely not a “game” for some.

    I leave you with a quote from Marcus Aurelius, father of the stoics, “What is the purpose of your life? To pursue pleasure? See if reason allows this.”

  • We Are not At Odds

    Just to be upfront, I’m neither Republican nor Democrat, but don’t worry, I’m not going to try to sell you on a third party or talk you out of your current political party. I’m liberal on some issues and conservative on others. I’ve toyed with belonging to either the Republicans or Democrats, but, although I really like some of the things each has done, the things about both that I think are unconscionable make it so I can’t belong to either. I think at various times I was tempted to join either party to “vote against” the other party when it was had overstepped. However, being against something is not being a thing. It’s being in a vacuum. I didn’t want to “vote against” anyone, I wanted to be part of something I believed in.

    Well, I did find my political home- don’t worry, I’m not even going to tell you where I ended up, because I’m not trying to win you to my side- that’s not what this blog is about. I just wanted to share an outsider’s view, and see if we can find some common ground.

    *cracks knuckles* I’m a big Shakespeare buff, my favorite play is “Romeo and Juliet”. It is not not not a love story. It’s a story about the impatience of youth, and the destruction that happens when people try to play God. My favorite literary character is Romeo’s best friend, Mercutio. It’s well known that the story takes place among two prominent families, the Montague’s and the Capulet’s, caught up in a deadly feud with each other. Well, Mercutio thinks the whole feud is ridiculous, he mocks the feud often and refuses to participate, he doesn’t pick one side over the other. My favorite thing about Mercutio is he’s so passionate and exasperated with the whole mess that he comes off a little crazy.

    Now it’s not hard to glean from this D grade summary of “Romeo and Juliet” that I’m comparing the Montague’s and Capulet’s to the Republicans and Democrats. Mercutio is me and everyone else who is sick of this being an “Us Versus Them” “You HAVE to pick a side and be enemies with the other side” game. Whatever side of the fence you’re on- the other side is not your enemy. The other side is your father, your grandmother, your next door neighbor, your countryman or countrywoman. The question that I can’t answer- because I don’t know- is who is the entity out there that wants us to see each other as enemies? If your answer to that was either “The Democrats” or “The Republicans”, then that was a very lazy answer, and shame on you.

    Here’s the way I see it after 42 years of just going about my business: The Democrats and Republicans are opposing legs on the same body, the US body. Sometimes the right leg is the one in contact with the ground, and the left is taking a chill, sometimes the left is in contact with the ground and the right is taking a chill. Another way to look at this is this: let’s pretend the US is a traditional nuclear family: mother, father, daughter, son. Who do the kids run to when they scrape their knee? Mom. Who does the son go to for advice about the bullies at school? Dad. Who does everyone in the house cling to when the doorknob starts jiggling in the middle of the night and everyone’s afraid there’s a robber? That’s dad’s territory, all the way. Who makes sure everyone is fed? That’s mom.’ You need both mom and dad at different times.

    I’ve seen that the “healers” of our country tend toward Democrat. That’s fine! We don’t need a whole country full of cops and soldiers! We need medical professionals, social workers, caregivers, non profit workers too! The Democrats I’ve known tend to have very big, tender hearts…. What? Is? Wrong? With? That?

    What else I’ve seen is that the Republicans are very good at keeping the wolf away from the door, both abroad and within our own country. They do the “Dad” stuff really well. There’s a poem I love called “The Sheepdog”. The Sheepdog keeps the sheep safe, he doesn’t care if the sheep like him- sometimes he has to nip their back leg to keep them away from danger. But when the wolf comes, the Sheepdog protects the flock, even with his own life. For anyone who doesn’t believe that there are people who want to hurt you, your family, and other innocent people- even hardened criminals right in your state- I pray that you never realize how wrong you are. I’m an ex cop, I’ve seen it firsthand. The sheepdogs are the military, the Federal law enforcement agencies, and the cops- all keeping the scene safe. Never assume that because the tragedy never struck that there was no danger all along. The sheepdogs kept the wolves at bay, they do it every day.

    I realize there a lot of people that grew up in broken homes, but maybe you can answer this question based on your current relationships: how often does dad “get” mom, like understand her completely? How often does mom “get” dad, understand him completely? Almost never, on both counts, right? Does the fact that they don’t “get” each other mean they should hate each other?

    The last thing I want to point out out is that if this “Democrat vs. Republican” thing is a fight, it isn’t even our fight. The politicians are paid very well to do a job, and as is evident with this current government shutdown, they’re not doing that job. Have you ever had a co worker or customer who you just couldn’t stand, they just made your skin crawl? Yeah, I’ve had them too. What did we do? We found something about them to like and did our friggin job despite them, didn’t we? It was our JOB. The Democrats and Republicans in government are not enemies. They’re CO workers. Their JOB is to find some common ground, work together, and run our country. I wish we citizens didn’t buy into the “Us versus them” example that the politicians too often set.